It is most men's fantasy-wish that they would be able to penetrate a
woman who bucks like a wild unbroken bronco, maintain perfect control
during an hour of hard steady thrusting, and then time their ejaculation
to coincide, contraction for contraction, with the orgasm of their
partner. I suppose there are a few men who could actually do that,
assuming the woman they were with could remain an active partner in this
marathon without becoming sore! In reality, however, the majority of
women will not orgasm with intercourse, regardless of how long the man
lasts, and the majority of young healthy males will, with steady
thrusting, ejaculated within three or, at best, four minutes. Many men
believe that they should have perfect control during intercourse and
that the ability to ejaculate at will is an inborn talent they should
automatically possess. Many also assume that if they could just last
long enough, their partners would orgasm as well. Most of these men are
greatly disappointed!
Let's start with four assumptions.
First, it is more natural for men to ejaculate rapidly than it is for
them to last for hours. The second assumption is that many men (and
women) will not accept this. Third, if the average duration is three or
four minutes of active thrusting, to ejaculate within this time frame is
not a sexual dysfunction. The forth assumption is that many men (and
women) will not accept this either!
The term "premature
ejaculation" implies that the male orgasm happened before it was
time. Initially, premature ejaculation was defined as an ejaculation
that usually would happen before the man's partner would reach orgasm,
but we now know that it does not make sense to defined a male problem on
the bases of the female's response, given the difficulty most women have
climaxing with penile-vaginal intercourse. Therefore, I prefer the term
"rapid ejaculation." Certainly, if the average is three to
four minutes, a man who rapidly ejaculates on or within seconds after
penetration falls below this mark.
It is easier to agree, without relying
on the woman's orgasmic response, or the number of male thrusts, or the
number of seconds timed with a stopwatch, that there is a legitimate
concern if the man, the woman, or both are feeling emotionally
distressed by the male's timing. In a sense then, it is those two people
involved in the intimate encounter who decide if there is a problem, not
the highly trained sex therapist looking at the impersonal statistics in
a textbook. A case in point: Last night in your hometown, a couple spent
a romantic evening together, during which they talked with anticipation
of the sexual encounter they had both planned. There was nothing hurried
in their evening or in the showers each took in preparation for their
erotic playtime. After showering they lit candles and put on soft music.
Relaxing together they talked quietly about their tender feelings for
each other, touching and kissing each other affectionately.
In the course of the evening, this
couple's kissing become more intense and their fondling progressed from
sensual to sexual... from warm to hot.. Both partners became highly
aroused with the manual stimulation, the woman in response to her
partner's skillful caress of her clitoris. As her excitement escalated,
the man moved down and orally brought her to an intense orgasm. He held
his partner as she relaxed, basking in the warmth of her post-orgasmic
afterglow. She was still lubricated and receptive to him as he
eventually mounted, and ejaculated with his own intense climax after
thirty seconds of rapid thrusting. Still in her afterglow, the woman
held the man as together they quietly congratulated themselves and each
other for a spectacular end to a spectacular evening. Who would dare say
that this woman has a dysfunction because she did not orgasm during
intercourse, or that this man has a dysfunction because he climaxed in
less than a minute? Sexual dysfunction or sexual style? At times it is
all very relative!
But, we have already said that some
people, on one or the other end of that thrusting penis, would like
intercourse to last longer. There is concern, there are things a couple
can do. Unfortunately, however, some professionals have talked of a
"cure," but that term implies that there is an
"illness." However, there is no illness here, only individual
differences. Some men are fast, some are slow, and most fall somewhere
on the continuum in-between. It is also unfortunate that some
professionals claim to be able to cure premature ejaculation with some
simple exercises and within six to eight weeks. Do not be fooled by such
claims, for a follow-up study of men who were "cured" in sex
therapy found that three years later, the majority of these subjects
were ejaculating just as rapidly as they were before they entered
therapy. Techniques for better ejaculatory control can indeed be
learned, but it takes time and patience, it helps if both partners are
involved, and it requires that some things learned never be forgotten
without the risk of once more feeling out of control.
It is probably obvious that women
should never blame or shame a man for ejaculating rapidly. It does
happen, however, that a woman might feel frustrated and say something
like "If you love me, you'd wait." Rapid ejaculation has
nothing to with love, and everything to do with a super-sensitive
nervous system. Even more destructive to a male ego is a comment such as
"The last two men could last half an hour, so what's wrong with
you!" Ouch!
I would like to assure the women in
relationships with rapid ejaculators that these men are not doing this
on purpose. They are not being selfish and they are not being hostile.
In fact, there is still no solid re that tells us exactly why some
men ejaculate more rapidly than some other men, just as there is no
conclusive re findings to explain why some women will orgasm more
easily than others. However, there are two clinical observations I would
like to share. I have found that most rapid ejaculators are a bit more
anxious (nervous) than average, and they tend to quickly become overly-
excited. I have often said that when a man is nervous and highly
aroused, he enters into an altered state of consciousness in which his
body takes over and his biology propels him rapid toward his "point
of ejaculatory inevitability." This point, often signaled to the
woman by the man muttering an expletive usually stronger than
"darn," is the point of no return. It is as if a trigger has
been pulled and, in a second, the gun will fire. There is no stopping
the ejaculation at that point.
Women can help by reminding the man to
relax and by reminding him how important it is for him to loosen up,
both mentally and physically. It helps to slow the man down, but not to
avoid touching him. The touch, however, should be designed to keep him
minimally aroused, and not to send him rushing headlong in the direction
of his ejaculatory threshold. There is a series of exercises, called the
start-start exercises, that a couple can do together to help a man
relax, calm his excitement and allow him to focus on his progression
toward his point of ejaculatory inevitability. Rapid ejaculators often
are unable to anticipate that point of no return and are typically not
aware of it until they are already there... and by then it is too late.
Unfortunately, it would take a lengthy description to adequately
describe what needs to be practiced in the series of start-stop
exercises, and the reader is advised to read a set of more detailed
instructions elsewhere.
There is certainly time and space,
however, to offer a couple practical tips to women. First, reassure your
minute man that you love all of his touching and kissing. His ego might
well need a boast, as many rapid ejaculators see themselves as being a
sexual failure in the eyes of their partners. Gently discourage a rush
to intercourse, and encourage him to explore your body in many ways. If
needed and desired, encourage him to orally stimulate you to orgasm. If
you have already climaxed before intercourse begins, some of the
pressure is taken of your partner. Tell him that you have had your turn,
and now it is his and he need not wait.
If you have not yet had your orgasm,
have your partner lay on his back. Straddle him and, when he tells you
he feels in good control, lower yourself down on him. Sit quietly,
reminding him to remain perfectly relaxed and not to move a muscle. In
this "female superior" position, you should do all the moving,
and the movement should be with you staying in close contact with your
partner's body. You should slide back and forth, rather than riding up
and down. This position and the movement described minimizes the
stimulation for the male, as it is quite different from the male
superior position in which he would be prone to use long rapid thrusts.
An added advantage for you in this position is that you can adjust the
angle of her body so that you are sliding your clitoris onto your
partner's pubic bone when pushing forward, and sliding it up the base of
his penis when you are pushing back. Typically a woman can get more
clitoral stimulation when on top, and I highly recommend this position
if for no other reason than the fact that it allows the woman much more
control and rewards her with much more pleasure.
In good sex, there are no demands made
and no judgments passed. Men tend to be intercourse-oriented, and women
often need to be persistent and patient in teaching their partners that
there is more to making love than just "doing it." I like the
concept of "fail-safe" sexuality, which says that in a caring
and intimate relationship, there is never a failure. The emotional
bonding is great if there is intercourse, and great if there is not. It
is wonderful if there are orgasms, and wonderful if there are none. It
is fantastic if it lasts a an hour, and fantastic if it is just a
quickie. Above all, our sexuality should always be fun!
Robert W. Birch, Ph.D.
Sexologist & Adult Sexuality Educator |